far.

Lately I have felt far. Far from people, far from life, far from my creator. It is so crazy how this always happens. How it so discreetly creeps up in my heart. Being prone to wander. Prone to leave the God I love. It always starts out with this proneness and little by little, I wander further and further from everything else that is good in my life. I become numb and empty. It gets to be so frustrating because it is a vicious cycle that repeats itself over and over and over again. I've seen the Lord and all the amazing things he can do. I've felt his transformative power in my heart. I've heard the good news and cling to it with all that I have. I know the truth that brings healing, grace, and redemption. Yet I abandon all of this and run to independence. To self sufficiency. To emptiness. When I realize how far I've gone, I start to feel a need to make myself feel again. Listen to a powerful song, read a great devotional, seek some wisdom from Your obedient followers. But none of it will do. None of it satisfies fully. Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

I'm constantly brought to the foot of the cross. I am sitting at Your feet, weeping. Knowing that I have put you there and entirely aware of my brokenness and need. You look into my heart and say "Beloved, this I have done for you. So that you may know your worth. Your value. Your purpose. Stop striving. Stop wandering. You have tasted and seen and you know that I am good. Come back to me." I receive this invitation over and over and feel unworthy. I feel unable to accept because I don't deserve it. There must be something that I have to do. Something I must say to make up for my abandonment. I try. Try. And try again. I fail. Fail. And fail again. You draw me in your arms "Nicole, my daughter, my power is made perfect in your weakness. I make beautiful things out of brokenness. Accept my rescue. Let me carry you. Simply surrender. I've never left you, nor will I ever leave you. Believe." And when my heart is willing to take a leap, I close my eyes and let go. And You have redeemed me every time. 

Thank you for redemption and patience, Father. Thank you that you do not abandon me to myself. That you pursue me in my rebellion. I will never figure it out. I will always be prone to wander. But in my wandering, I always am directed immediately back to the cross and the truth that you came to show me what a relationship with you looks like. You are good and never changing. I choose you. I choose life. I choose freedom.