and we danced.

Keith LeGrone got me a very thoughtful gift for our anniversary this year...dance lessons. I love to dance and don't feel embarrassed to look like an idiot, which is a blessing and a curse. However, when dancing with someone, I feel a little bit of anxiety. When we walked in the room for our first lesson it was 3 people in the room. The instructor and one other older couple. The instructor asked us what brought us there and Keith replied, "Well, I need to get better at dancing." A slim jim at 6'4," with clown shoes brings its struggles when trying to bust a move on the dance floor. 

As we learned new dance styles, I had a bit of a revelation. The reason for us going to dance lessons is not solely because Keith can't dance. That is a big part. Some might say a HUGE part. But there is another very big and convicting reason for us to go to dance lessons...I need to learn to be led. This is one of my goals on my life list which I still have not fulfilled. Part of the issue is that I'm a free spirit when I dance and like to do my own thing. The other part...the big and scary and life issue revealing part is that I don't trust Keith on the dance floor. I don't trust that he knows what he is doing so I decide I will take the reigns...this doesn't exactly work in ballroom dancing...or in a relationship for that matter. I have big trust issues. Here's some good old vulnerability for you...not only do I not trust Keith's dancing, but I don't trust his plan for our relationship. I'm a control freak who likes to do things by herself on her own time. And guess what...this doesn't just apply to my relationship with LeGrone but is a direct reflection of my lack of trust for my creator. I don't trust God's plan. I know his plan is awesome, but maybe my plan is better. Maybe my timing will be more efficient and convenient. If I were dancing with the Father, I would fight to lead. How ridiculous can I be?? Lord, deliver me from this shallow and twisted thinking!! You are in control. I want so badly to humbly and graciously follow your lead but my stupid heart wanders. My eyes get set on an easier and self constructed plan that seems desirable and just better. I know I'm wrong. I know deep inside me that your plans are better than my plans. Deliver me from my proneness to wander. Sorry for that interjection, I just needed to let that out. 

I was reading in John chapter 1 today where Jesus calls his first disciples. I really loved where Jesus calls Phillip and he runs to his friend Nathanael to tell him that the redeemer has arrived. Nathanael brushes him off saying that nothing good can come from Nazareth. Phillip invites him to come and see. 

"Jesus saw Nathanael coming toward him and said to him, 'Behold, an Israelite indeed, in whom there is no deceit!' Nathanael said to him, 'How do you know me?' Jesus answered, 'Before Philip called you, when you were under the fig tree, I saw you'"

(48-49)

You see me Jesus, You see me in my struggle and in my blatant brushing you off. I doubt you and reject you, but you see me and you know me. You know I'm going to wander and doubt you, yet you love me anyway and continue to pursue me each second of every day. Help me trust not only that you see me right now. But you see me ten minutes from now. Ten days from now. Ten years from now. And you have my path set out for me. A path that is good. Not easy. But good. Fulfilling. Satisfying. Life-giving. I want to choose that every day. Help me choose that. Also I really like this excerpt that I read today from a book by Henry Nouwen called The Road to Daybreak.

I am growing in awareness that God wants my whole life, not just part of it. It is not enough to give just so much time and attention to God and keep the rest for myself. As I try to understand why I am still so restless, anxious, and tense, it occurs to me that I have not yet given everything to God...To return to God means to return to God with all that I am and all that I have. I cannot return to God with just half of my being. As I reflected this morning again on the story of the prodigal son and tried to experience myself in the embrace of the father, I suddenly felt a certain resistance to being embraced so fully and totally. I experienced not only a desire to be embraced, but also to maintain independence. I realized that God's love is a jealous love...It's going to be a very long road. Every time I pray I feel the struggle. It is the struggle of letting God be the God of my whole being. It is the struggle to trust that true freedom lies hidden in total surrender to God's love.

God, I surrender.