eh.

I had one of those days today. Just sulky, bad mood. Room in complete disarray. Biting off the heads of those around me. Why, you ask? A lot of petty, surface-y things but the root of the problem is much deeper. It is my utter hatred of losing control. Really, a false sense of control at that. Basically I’m a control freak. It makes me feel secure in myself not having to take any risks because I have it “under control.” Now that I’m going back to school on Sunday, my environment is changing and consequently my sense of control is wavering. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Raleigh and am so excited to see some amazing people I haven’t seen in a while. People I love and have missed all break. But someone will be missing. Keith won’t be there. It means we have to go back to 8 hour separation and an ideal date is video chatting for a few minutes if we have time. I know, I know, the time we have together and the relationship we have makes it all worth it. I get it. I get it. But that doesn’t make me hate it any less. So as it’s getting closer to going our separate ways, I’m losing this false control I have. It’s comfortable and reassuring to be in the same town. I start to feel like I can really do this on my own. And that’s where I see the real beauty in us being apart. I have NO control of our relationship long distance. There’s nothing I can do. So we are FORCED to rely on God. Our relationship could never last with the hours between us if God’s hand wasn’t in it. Steering us in every direction. And oddly, I get excited about this dependence. That’s really how we should be all the time right? But for some reason it’s so much easier to see when we don’t have each other whenever we want. Normally I’m pretty stubborn about being dependent. I like to think of myself as pretty self sufficient. So after I get over the initial annoyance of being incapable, I delight in my shortcomings because I know God is bigger than me and cares for me deeply. Calls me by name and knows the number of hairs on my head. He is infinitely great and intimately loving simultaneously and that is why I give my relationships, my decisions, my life to Him. And that is why I have faith. It takes me a while to get to this point. It took me the whole day really. Until this moment to see truth. So my eh day has ended on a joyous note because of my trust in something bigger and better than myself. So I’m okay giving up my control to Him…sometimes…okay! All the time.